J-Lo Hemingway, a short story

J-Lo Hemingway

By Steve Sheppard

“I don’t feel confident anymore,” Claire said on the phone to her brother Rick, “I don’t feel like anyone cares what I do. Everybody’s critical of me, and so am I. And worse yet, my kids are disobedient.”

Rick answered, “When you said that last part, I knew right away. You need a blessing.”

“A blessing?”

“Yes. No one has ever blessed you.”

“But what about sneezes?”

“That’s different. You need a real blessing. It makes you into the person of your dreams.”

“Where can I pick one up?” She said.

“Have you heard of Blessings R Us?”

“No.”

“They sell blessings.”

“You can buy a blessing?”

“Where do you think they come from?”

“I don’t know. I just thought some people were blessed, and some people were cursed.”

“Nonsense. Come to Denver and I’ll take you.”

So Claire came to Denver and they got into Rick’s Jeep and drove downtown to 15^th and Iris Streets, where Blessings R Us was located in an old Gap store. It was right by the park, and Claire noticed beautiful people throwing Frisbees to their Australian Shepherd/Border Colley Mixes.

“See? That’s what I mean,” Claire said.

“What?”

“Those people. They look blessed. I want that.”

“They look happy.”

“I don’t have time for a dog and a Frisbee and a park. All I do is work and solve problems. A blessing would make me more like them. I’d make time for dogs and Frisbees and parks. I’d make time for a mountain bike. I’d get rid of my Escort and buy a black Audi A4 with a Thule rack system on top, and get a better job. Right now I can’t do any of those things.”

“Then what are we waiting for?” Rick said.

Rick and Claire went into Blessings R Us and approached the girl at the counter. She was young and wore expensive jeans, and a cool t-shirt with an angry remark. The perfect edges of her tattoes were only slightly visible under the sleeves, and she had a nose ring, some rings on her thumbs, and perfectly messy hair.

“Excuse me, we’d like to see some Women’s Blessings?” Rick said

“Upstairs,” she said, quickly scanning the two. Her eyes kept talking, saying “That girl needs a blessing. Look at her clothes, look at her hair, look at her sadness. I’d better not think what I think about them, or they’ll see it in my eyes. Whoops.”

“She looks like she shops here,” Rick said, privately, to Claire.

“Why do you say?”

“I don’t know.” Then he turned to the girl, “What blessing do you have?”

Walking away, the girl said, “Jaded-Emo-Model.”

“Hmmm.”

As they entered the elevator, there was a giant display, a mannequin dressed as a painter, painting a large mural. It said: REMBRANT

“You sure know a lot about blessings,” Claire said.

“I’ve studied them for years. Do you realize you can make your own?”

“I thought you said they only come from stores.”

“Well, I did, but like anything, you can make one yourself, by experience. It’s not as good as store-bought, but it’s cheaper; and besides, I hear store-bought blessings aren’t even real.”

“Not real?”

“It’s too complicated to explain. But don’t worry, you’ll never know the difference.”

Just then, the elevator opened and there was a big sign. “This must be the directory,” Rick said. “Let’s see, Career Blessings, Life-Of-Service-Toward-Humanity Blessings, Married-in-Six-Months Blessings, Perfect Body-Forever-Blessings–”

“Perfect Body-Forever-Blessings! Let’s go!” Claire said, grabbing Rick as she went.

The Women’s Blessings department was so beautiful. Each blessing had it’s own chart with mannequins portraying how the blessing looked in six months, twelve months, etc. The décor was exquisite, like the store was designed by the best interior designers in the world. “Do you think this was done by an Interior-Designer blessing?” Claire said.

“No ma’am,” said a voice. It was a man with a giant key-chain, pushing a mop cart. “They only use natural-blessed folk for that.”

“Natural?” Claire said. Rick shrugged his shoulders.

They strolled into the Perfect-Body-Forever blessings, and noticed one at the same time. It was a simple Perfect-Body-Forever blessing but came with People-Attractor and Literary-Talent blessings.

“I need look no further,” Claire said.

“May I help you?” said a woman. She was blonde and slender, but wore thick glasses.

“I’m Rick Carter, and this is my sister Claire. We have some questions about your blessings.”

“Call me Emerald. Hmmm. Impressive. Did you make it yourself?”

“Yes. She’s talking about my blessing,” Rick said.

“You can tell just by looking?” Claire said to the woman.

“Oh, yes. You read the eyes. He’s got a selfless confidence with a bit of courage and some explorer. How did you make the explorer?”

“A month in the Boundary Waters, some Yosemite, but mostly fixing my Jeep on mountain trails. That spills into courage.”

“I’d love a copy. There’s a lot of demand for explorer here in Colorado.”

“You copy self-made blessings?”

“As easy as synthesized drugs.”

“I’m not sure you’d want it. The thing is, I’m unhappy.”

“That’s okay, unhappy’s really hot right now.”

“That so,” Rick said.

“I see you’re admiring our newest arrival,” Emerald said.

“She’s in great shape, but has literary genius,” Claire said.

“We call her J-Lo Hemingway. Just came this month. She has the courage and stamina to complete a literature PhD. Plus the perfect bod forever.”

“Can I try it on?” said Claire, at which Emerald laughed.

“This must be your first visit. Blessings cannot be tried on or returned. You have to know what you want. But who wouldn’t want to be J-Lo Hemingway?”

“But how can you be sure it works?” Rick said.

“I have this one myself,” said Emerald. “I’m in my first month. Already have a book deal with a major CBA publisher, and my Youth Pastor boyfriend is talking marriage.”

“Sheesh,” said Claire, shaking her head.

“That’s impressive,” said Rick.

“It’s a simple process. Simpler than anyone would think.”

“How does it work?” Claire asked.

“Well, I can’t tell you much, but we use a Scientific Surrogate Proxy-Parent. Usually male with women, female with men. The SSPP reads a scientifically prepared scientific script to the customer. That’s if the parents are out of the picture. If not, we use them to read the scientifically prepared script. Then, after a certain period estimated by science, the customer adopts new behavioral patterns, like kayaking, climbing, computer programming and dog-walking and Frisbee.”

Rick turned to Claire, “What do you think?”

“What about mountain bikes and black Audi A4’s and Thule rack systems?” Claire said. Rick laughed.

“All included. Anything’s possible with your blessing,” Emerald said.

“How much and can I make payments?” Claire asked.

“Actually, our blessings don’t cost anything.”

“You mean it’s a free government service?”

“Not quite,” said Emerald, “we give you the blessing, and we take something.”

“Nothing’s for free, Claire,” said Rick.

“So what do you take?” Claire asked.

“Curses.”

“Curses?” both said.

“Yes, curses. You see, in order for you to come in here, you must have a curse, or you would never want a blessing. All we charge is your curse.”

“Like a trade-in,” Rick said.

“But what would you do with a curse?” Claire said.

“We make good use them,” Emerald said. “Actually, curses are really just malfunctioned blessings. For example, a man came in and traded I-Can’t-Draw-Worth-A-Bucket-of-Warm-Spit for Unlimited-Ideas. He’s doing great, getting lots of ideas for things to do. We turned around and gave I-Can’t-Draw-Worth-A- Bucket-of-Warm-Spit to another client, who went on to become a famous artist. It turned out that I-Can’t-Draw-Worth-A-Bucket-of-Warm-Spit was just a virus, a curse mixed with an artistic blessing.”

“I see,” said Rick.

“Anyway, we cleaned up I-Can’t-Draw-Worth-A-Bucket-of-Warm-Spit, renamed it Rembrandt, and it’s one of our best-selling blessings. Thomas Corncade has a new slip-cover series because of it.”

“I have them,” Claire said, “they’re soft.”

Rick looked at Claire. “What do you think? Wanna give J-Lo Hemingway a try?”

“What curses do I have?” she said.

“We can’t tell until we clean it out, and by then we would have already replaced it with your new blessing.”

“Can’t you repair the blessing that’s inside of her? Maybe it’s a good one that’s just malfunctioning. Can you do that?” Rick said.

“I wish you could, but it’s impossible. Let me put it this way: Can you take the brain out and repair it and put it back again? I don’t think so. Taking your curse out and not putting in a blessing would leave you soulless, like a dog. I’m sorry. It’s just science.”

“Do you care if we talk privately, Claire and I?” Rick said.

“Please do. It’s an important decision, and you should be absolutely certain. Go into that J-Lo Hemingway promotion brochure and video room, that should be private enough.”

Rick and Claire went to a fitting room instead, because the store used to be a Gap years before. They tried the door but it was locked.

“I’ll get that,” said the man with the giant keychain and mop cart. Sure enough, he had the key.

“Thank you,” said Claire.

“Which one you going for?” he said.

“We’re thinking of J-Lo Hemingway.”

“You know where that came from don’t you?”

“Tell us,” said Rick.

“I knew J-Lo. Her real name was Jenny. She was a beaut! She wanted to write children’s books, and be an aerobics instructor, and a model and an actress and a bartender, and be on Elimidate. And she could have been all those things, but somebody cursed her. He said, ‘you won’t amount to much, and your ankles are thick.’ I talked her into getting a blessing, and she did, but it didn’t take. Her calling fought it. You see, then can never take that away.”

“Her calling?” said Claire.

“It’s what you’re born with. Blessings come after. They just help the calling. It’s all scientific,” he said.

“What blessing did she get?”

“Business-Acumen-Killer-Instincts. She’s trying to do international real estate stock brokering in Hong Kong, but she’s unhappy.”

“I hear unhappy’s really hot right now,” Rick said.

“Hush!” said Claire. “How do you know so much about Jenny?”

“She’s my daughter.” He said, leaning on his mop.

“I see.”

“Hey, why don’t you get a blessing?” Rick said.

“I was gonna get Wise-Old-Man, but don’t guess I deserve it,” he said, laughing.

“He doesn’t need it, Rick,” Claire said, “He’s got it self-made.”

“Thanks. Same to you,” the man said.

“Not really, but thank you. I need J-Lo. I’m loaded with curses.”

“I thought for sure you already had Problem-Solving and a little Rembrandt. Are you an interior designer.”

“Thanks. You’re very kind,” Claire said, and the man with the keys left.

“He’s right,” said Rick.

“Maybe, but what does he know about interior design? He’s just a custodian.”

“I don’t know. I’ll go get Emerald.”

Rick brought Claire back to Blessings R Us several times for her treatments. He could see the difference. She brought her kids to Denver and they began to obey more. She bought a really cool dog and applied at several new jobs in the city. She worked at Starbucks and enrolled at Front Range Community College. The blessing worked swell, and soon, Claire’s treatments were over.

Then Roland Carter, Rick and Claire’s father, came into Starbucks one day. Neither had seen him in years, and for good reason. He was a real curser. It wasn’t his fault. “He was cursed, too, so that’s all he knows,” Rick always told Claire.

“I heard you were doing quite well for yourself. Do you keep your house clean? That’s important. A clean house makes you feel good,” Roland said. “This isn’t a bad job. You know a good career I heard of you ought to try? International real estate stock broker. You buy stock in real estate all over the world, and you can travel and get rich.”

“Hello? Emerald? This is Rick Carter, Claire’s brother. We had a little problem. Can I bring her in tomorrow.”

Rick and Claire met with Emerald.

“She’s suffering a Parental Breach. We offer an emergency treatment called Scientific Indirect Blessing, or SIB. Instead of speaking directly to Claire, we have the SSPP talk to someone posing as her father. He tells him how wonderful Claire is doing, and how proud he should be, and so on. It takes about an hour, and I recommend once a day for two weeks.”

“Does it work?”

“Most of the time. PB’s are tough, so it’s hit and miss. The best thing is to come in after you’ve had a PAP.”

“A what?”

“Parental Apology Procedure. Getting him to apologize in person. But those are rare.”

“Not gonna happen. How much are the sessions?”

“Two hundred dollars.”

“Two hundred dollars?”

“Wait,” Claire said, “I thought it was free.”

“J-Lo Hemingway is free, but you have to pay if she gets damaged.”

“Criminy,” Rick said.

“You should warn your father next time he curses you, you’ll sue. You can recover the costs of repairing your blessing. We offer lawsuit insurance.”

“This is crazy.”

Claire went into the blessing room, and the SSPP opened a door, and left it open while he bragged about Claire to someone standing out of sight, and, looking closely, Claire could see it was the man with the keys. Claire felt better. She returned to work at Starbucks and Rick went to see Roland Carter.

“Dad, you need to stay away from Claire for a while,” he said.

“What do you mean? I have every right to see her. And I’m unreasonable and in denial.”

“I realize all that, but you have to give her space. Figure it’s like she’s wet paint.”

“Space, what the hell does that mean? Don’t you people appreciate having a father?”

“Just do what I ask. She’s vulnerable to everything you say.”

“Vulnerable? How long? Can’t I see my grandkids? What’s going on?”

Eventually, Roland agreed to drive home to North Dakota, and Claire progressed. She went on to complete her Associates Degree and got a new job. Within a year of purchasing her new blessing, she got her black Audi with the Thule rack system, and taught their new dog, J-Lo, how to play Frisbee at the park, and took up mountain biking.

Life was swell.

Then Claire called Rick up, on a Wedneday. “Do you think I should move to a bigger city,” she said, “and get a better paying job. I’m not happy here. My co-workers are jealous back-biters and this whole town is just a large, metropolitan version of Jerry Springerville. I’m sick of the Midwest, and my life is full of problems. Would you go with me to an East Coast city? Ever since I graduated, I wanted to move back east and be an angry, unappreciated essayist.”

Rick was silent. Then he said, “What about J-Lo, and the kids? What will you do with them?”

“Dad always wanted to see them more. Maybe he can come to Denver. I don’t know. I just know I’m not happy. This blessing is great, but so limited. I wonder what they did with my curse. Do you think they renamed it and it became a bestseller?”

“Anything’s possible,” Rick said.

Copyright © 2005 Steve Sheppard